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Author: redheadedlaw

Domestic Violence and Firearms – Some Texas Laws Could Be Changing

Here in Texas, we have a long (and some would say loving) relationship with firearms. Even before becoming a state in 1845, early settlers found their muzzle-loaders indispensable in obtaining food and dealing with predators and unsavory reptiles. There were also frequent skirmishes with the native Comanches.

Today, Texas has more gun dealers (about 8,500) than any other state according to Federal statistics. In addition, there is no registration requirement, no waiting period, and no limit on purchases. Gun control advocates are quick to demonize Texas for these reasons, but if you check the statistics, the state ranks 30th in deaths by firearms. This is better than Washington DC and Pennsylvania, each with some of the most restrictive gun laws in the nation.

The debate on gun control will likely rage on, but that’s not my topic today. Rather, it’s about existing Federal and state laws pertaining to gun ownership by people convicted of domestic abuse, and how Texas law on this subject may change.

First, here is a sad statistic. According to FBI and state crime data crunched by the Associated Press, a woman is shot in the US by her romantic partner every 16 hours. We all have heard that crime victims usually know their attackers – here’s some proof. Federal and state law acknowledges that domestic abusers should not own guns, and both make buying and possessing them after such a conviction illegal.

But there’s a legal wrinkle. There are no current laws requiring those convicted of domestic abuse to surrender firearms they already own. All ideology aside, I think everyone can see that leaving weapons in the hands of those already convicted of violence against their partners is a big gamble. Tempers are already running hot, and one could easily argue that the intent of current law is to keep these victims safe. If keeping these people from buying and owning guns is a good idea, then taking away those already owned seems to be a good idea too.

Dallas County agrees, and the process, while very new, is pretty simple and will likely be effective. And from a victim’s rights perspective, it is a welcome process because it doesn’t need legislative approval (which couldn’t occur until next year at the earliest anyway.) Judges in Dallas County have instituted a process where domestic abusers covered by certain types of protective orders are required to turn in all firearms. If they don’t own any, they must attest to this fact under oath. Under certain conditions, firearms will eventually be returned to the original owners, in theory when a protective order expires (usually two years in Texas.) Some abusers subject to this process will never have their relinquished weapons returned.

This process was launched in May 2015, so it is too new for Dallas County to have useful data on its success or failure at this point. But clearly, Texas demographics are changing, as are attitudes towards firearms. It is possible that this process could catch on in other jurisdictions.

We are glad to represent clients with domestic abuse issues.

Texas Toughens Child Support Enforcement

In the old west, if you were convicted of certain crimes your punishment would be forfeiture of your horse. This was a serious punishment – at that time your alternative transportation options were quite limited.

Texas is taking a page out of the old west when it comes to dealing with anyone who falls far behind on their child support. But rather than targeting your horse, they are after your horsepower. Beginning this December, any Texas resident owing six months or more of child support will be unable to renew their vehicle registration.

For those with any knowledge of how Texas deals with child support scofflaws, this latest action is no surprise. The state is very aggressive in pursuing these individuals, and already holds the power to revoke all forms of personal licenses, including driver’s, professional, and recreational. This latest action by the Attorney General’s Office is just the latest measure to force compliance.

Here’s how it will work. This September, any resident already behind on their payments by six months or more will be notified of the new regulation in the standard three month renewal notice sent by the Texas Department of Motor Vehicles. The letter will likely state that there is currently a “hold” on that person’s registration renewal, which would normally be due in December. It will include information on how to have the hold removed.

These same individuals will also receive a letter from the Child Support Division of the Attorney General’s Office prior to the renewal date. It will outline what must be done to clear the hold on their registration. While this has obviously not yet gone to effect, as the rule stands now, anyone who doesn’t take the required action will have an expired registration come January.

While it is not my purpose to debate the pros and cons of this new child support enforcement mechanism, it is important to note that some contend this is bad public policy. Taking away a person’s transportation cannot help but make it more difficult to hold a job, make a living, and pay for their obligations. However, there is also the argument that asks, “how is revoking their auto registration going to make it more difficult to do what they are already not doing?” It is similar to the argument that putting a person in jail for not paying child support means that they will lose their job and have no chance of their paying the support they owe in the future. Judges do not usually buy this argument, for good reason. Anyone who practices family law in Texas knows that putting people in jail for not paying child support frequently results in the child support suddenly being paid. Somehow, the money becomes available. Child support becomes a priority, which it should be. The same may very well be true of revoking a scofflaw’s auto registration. It is important to add that only a small number of egregious cases result in incarceration for past-due child support.

The Attorney General’s Office will say that there are procedures in place to be sure that honest, hardworking parents who want to do the right thing and satisfy their debts to their children are able to continue to drive legally. First, there is a dedicated phone number for all registration-related inquiries. And second, parents will not be required to completely pay all past due monies – just establish a payment schedule and keep it current.

The reason this public policy question bears mentioning is because of how this rule was enacted. It was not written into law due to a bill that was passed by the Texas state legislature. The Attorney General’s Office believed it had the authority to make this change under the Texas Family Code. As such, it could be challenged (and possibly reversed) in court. On the other hand, many of the procedures the Attorney General uses have been put into place without the legislature being involved. They fall under the powers and mandate of the Office of the Attorney General to collect child support. In the 30 years I have been practicing law, the amount of child support collected has grown enormously. This has resulted in not only many more children being provided for by their own biological parents who have the responsibility for them, but an overall reduction in the costs to the taxpayers of Texas.

There is another criticism of this rule – it only targets registration renewals. If you buy a new vehicle, there will be no holdups if you’re behind on your payments. So stay tuned to see how everything turns out.

My firm will be glad to represent anyone served with such a notice.

Post Divorce – What Are My Social Security Benefit Options?

While we do our best to entertain and inform, today we have to tackle a tough topic. Not to be morbid, but we need to discuss death. Two types, actually – the death of a marriage (aka divorce) and actual death. Both of these types of death have profound implications for your social security benefits, and it’s never too early to be informed.

As you might have guessed, the rules pertaining to divorce and social security benefits are complicated (of course they are.) But below we will sketch out the basic facts you will need to know.

The magic number for divorced people and SS benefits is ten. If your marriage lasted ten years or longer, the SSA throws you a bone to ease your transition to retired single person. It is called the divorced spousal benefit, and once you’ve been divorced two years you can claim it.

It works like this – if you satisfy the two requirements above, you can claim either your own DSB or that of your ex-spouse – whichever is higher (generally, one ex can receive as much as 50% of the other’s benefit – less if initiated before FRA.) Or you can claim both! At full retirement age, many retirees begin collecting the higher of the two DSBs and keep collecting it until age 70. While they collect, their own SS benefit continues to grow. Then at 70 they switch to their own benefit, which in the four years could be worth as much as 30% more per month. Of course, you get that increased payment (plus COLAs) for life. See, it pays to know the rules.

Unfortunately, if you retire before FRA, you can’t use this trick. Rules require you to take the higher of the two payments, which you are stuck with for life.

What happens if you get remarried? Glad you asked – you then lose any benefit from your former spouse but are eligible to ride on your new spouse’s coattails, generally after one year. If you have been married two or more times, with each lasting 10 years, you will need to sit down and call us – the rules start to get crazy.

One other thing – you don’t have to wait for your ex to file to file yourself. You can file at age 62, but you give up the dual filing option we described earlier.

So what happens if your ex-spouse dies? From a social security perspective there are more options to consider. And again, the magic number is 10. If you were married for at least ten years, you are now eligible for divorced survivor benefits. Best of all, this benefit can be as much as 100% of what your late ex-spouse was due. You can file for this as early as age 60, or 50 if you are disabled. And listen up you senior lovebirds – if you remarry before age 60 you lose this eligibility unless the new marriage ends. But interestingly, if you remarry after 60, you can still file for the survivor benefit. And if you are receiving the divorced spousal benefit described earlier, the SSA will automatically switch you over to the higher paying survivor benefit. Thanks SSA!

Please keep in mind that Congress has tweaked the FRAs for people born after certain years. To find out what your full retirement age is, visit https://www.ssa.gov/planners/retire/agereduction.html.

Life always throws a few curves, and death does too. Keep these SSA rules in mind, and feel free to call us with any questions.

Make the deal!

People just can’t help it. Even the most congenial divorces usually involve some level of hurt feelings and rejection. And then things can quickly deteriorate into a legal tangle worthy of a Grisham novel.

True congenial divorces are pretty rare. And even if the two parties get through the initial emotional trauma, logistical issues, and child custody arrangements without a blow up, things often break down during the division of property. This is when total reality sets in, and even worse, by this time one or both parties probably has friends, relatives or neighbors giving them advice. This “advice” usually results in a more intransigent position as far as negotiations are concerned. Why? Because they are feeding into whatever feelings they see in their relative or friend. If he/she wants to punish the other person, then punishment they will get! If he/she wants to make them pay, then by God, they will pay!

This kind of thinking is like a double expresso – it will make you feel energized and alive for a while, but then it will fade and leave you worse off than before.

Keep in mind that in any legal conflict, the longer something takes, the more expensive it usually becomes. People can (and do!) fight for years over teapots and lawn chairs, or someone can ask themselves, how can this impasse be broken?

Often, it’s not that hard to resolve quickly.

Ask yourself two questions:

  1. What do I really want most?
  2. What does my counterpart want most?

If the two things are different, you are on your way to settlement.

Here’s an example – two people are married many years but the relationship slowly ends. One files, and before you know it, counter suits are flying back and forth along with discovery demands, the possible hiring of expert witnesses, etc. But the silver lining is one person would love to stay in the house, and the other wants to keep his/her retirement account.

Bingo! Your negotiation will be started by offering to trade half the home equity for half the account equity. Get an appraisal on the property, compare the two numbers mentioned, and then quibble about chairs and teapots. The quibbling won’t last because each party already believes they’ve won. They won’t care much about the small stuff.

It doesn’t have to involve assets of approximately equal value either. It’s the perceived value that matters. One person might want the house, but the other wants granny’s silver settings. Again, we have the beginning of a resolution to the negotiation – the rest is just splitting the household inventory.

In any negotiation, it is important to achieve small victories, but in a divorce, the other party must also feel successful (barring any unlawful or immoral behavior.)

If you are involved in a contentious divorce (or any similar situation), take a few breaths and ask yourself the two questions referenced earlier. This technique can often be the key to a swift resolution that respects the feelings of all parties (including children) while easing the financial and time burden.

We can assist you in asking and answering these questions. Please feel free to call anytime.

Money and Marriage Can Be Happily Ever After

Money and marriage. Like oil and vinegar, they don’t mix well unless you take the time to shake things up a little.

One of the earliest acknowledgements that personal finance was fraught with danger was by the Apostle Paul. He told his young disciple Timothy that “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil.” And Paul was single, so maybe he was sugarcoating it a little. Dr. Phil (who is married) is more succinct, firing a warning shot over the whole institution of matrimony with “Money can ruin your marriage.”

Strong words that happened to be spoken 2,000 years apart. What are newlyweds to do? How can such dire warnings be addressed?

Communication and Expectations.

When you think about the sequence of events that occurs when two people fall in love, discussing a family budget does not even rank. This is not because the parties don’t consider family finance important, it’s because they consider it very important and personal.  As everyone knows, “it’s personal” is a commonly used excuse for keeping a secret, but when committing to a new life with a partner, there can’t be secrets. How do two people confront this topic early, in an honest and non-confrontational way so feelings are not hurt and mutual cooperation is preserved?

The recommendation is pretty unanimous among marriage counselors, bloggers, and reporters, including Chris Arnold of NPR – make a budget.

In his March 8 story “How to Keep Money from Messing Up Your Marriage,” Arnold writes that there are deep-seated feelings to be addressed when two people combine financial forces. Maybe one person is handling more of the home responsibilities and working less. Maybe there are children involved and one career is being sacrificed more than the other. Or perhaps the split of household expenses has become unequal over time.

If something is bothering one party and the other doesn’t know, this is a recipe for problems. So hold a family summit and get all the financial issues on the table. Figure out how much your household expenses and other mandatory outlays are (a good exercise for everyone) and how they should be paid. List the non-mandatory but very important expenses (like contributions to retirement or savings accounts) and decide how to find these. Then, tackle what might be the most important category – personal expenses. Agree on how much of the monthly pot each of you gets to call your own.

It doesn’t sound that critical, but consider this, as pointed out in the NPR story. What happens when one party needs to approach the other for spending money? Is that a healthy way to maintain a life partnership, or have things suddenly gone parental?

There can’t be unequal partners in any sort of marriage, so decide on some basic rules. Each party gets a certain amount of money twice per month that is theirs and does not have to be reconciled. Either party can make purchases up to a certain amount without checking with the other. Then, agree on how credit card balances will be jointly handled.

Communicate with full disclosure, and then agree on rules so expectations are set. Commit to a periodic review of the rules to be sure to account for changes in circumstances.

Get this right, and Dr. Phil won’t be.

Be My Ex-Valentine

It’s Valentine’s Day this Sunday. Have you finished your shopping and dinner plans yet? Maybe you scheduled some spa services as a gift? Did you get a sitter for the kids? Who’s going to let the dog out? It’s not surprising that family strife seems to escalate around holidays. There’s pressure to entertain, pressure to cook and clean up for company, and of course, pressure to smile the whole time like you’re having a blast. However, when it comes to holiday-induced stress, Valentine’s Day is probably the worst.

Why?

Let’s face it. At the end of any other holiday, you get to show everyone the door. Valentine’s Day is a celebration for two, and most of the time, you already live together. You can’t go to your corner after the fight and nurse your wounds. You both live in the corner!

So for Valentine’s Day, stress is already off the charts due to the high expectations of “getting it right.” If you and your partner aren’t getting along, that just adds another layer of misery to the occasion. And unfortunately, you can’t escape the hype. Why? Because it’s everywhere! Walk away into Wal-Mart and there is row upon row of heart-shaped merchandise. Local supermarkets set up special stand-alone Valentine boutiques where all of us are expected to select fabulous gifts for our partner or prospective partner. Some of them are drive-through! Even Papa Johns has heart-shaped pizzas! Expectations are super high, as is fear of failure.

Psychologists will advise couples in turmoil to examine their situation in logical steps. Define the problem first. Often the problem will look different to each partner, and by stating it out loud (either together or in front of a mediator or other unbiased third party), they may be able to boil it down to a single statement or two that makes sense to both. Of course, this may not be possible, but you have to try. Second, it is important to determine what the underlying factors might be. Sometimes, the loss of a job can cause mental as well as physical issues. Aging results in changes to the bond and mind. Couples sometimes report a feeling of lethargy and uselessness once the kids leave the nest for school. Retirement by one or both parties often causes the same reaction. Once the problem or problems are identified and you both agree why, it is often possible to find a way forward.

But it may be that the problem issues are too ingrained, or you both have become too locked into your positions. And this realization, whether you realize it or not, can turn a normal holiday into an excruciating curse. How do you fake romance and empathy when you don’t feel it? Unless you have a handful of Oscars on your mantle, it can’t be done. And this is why holidays like Valentine’s Day can become the proverbial straw the breaks the camel’s back. At some point, the fear of breaking up gives way to the fear of staying together.

If you and your significant other are having problems, by all means seek counseling. Divorces are rarely a joy-filled experience. But if you have realistically exhausted all avenues of reconciliation, give us a call at The Essex Law Firm. We know relationships are very difficult and we don’t judge. But if we begin the process while relations are still relatively civil, the process can be faster, less expensive, and far less painful.

Social Security – Questions and Answers Regarding Divorced Spouse Benefits

Original article provided courtesy of Bill Stewart of Stewart & Hurst:

Stewart & Hurst
7887 San Felipe
Suite 122
Houston, Texas 77063
Phone: 713.974.2928

social-security-divorced-spouse-benefits

Question 1:
How do I know if I qualify to receive benefits on my former spouse’s Social Security record?

Answer:
You may receive benefits on your former spouse’s Social Security record (even if he/she has remarried) if you:

  • were married to your former spouse for 10 years or longer;
  • are age 62 or older;
  • are unmarried;
  • the benefit that you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefit your former spouse would receive based on his/her work; and
  • your former spouse is entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits.

Question 2:
How do I know if my former spouse qualifies to receive benefits on my Social Security record?

Answer:
Your former spouse can receive benefits based on your record (even if you have remarried) if:

  • you were married to your former spouse for 10 years or longer;
  • your former spouse is age 62 or older;
  • your former spouse is unmarried;
  • the benefit that your former spouse is entitled to receive based on his/her own work is less than the benefit he/she would receive based on your work; and
  • you are entitled to Social Security retirement or disability benefits.

Question 3:
Am I entitled to receive benefits on my former spouse’s Social Security record even he/she has not filed to receive his/her benefits?

Answer:
Yes. If your former spouse is eligible for Social Security Benefits but has not filed to receive benefits you may still receive your benefits on your former spouse’s record if you meet the eligibility requirements from Answer 1 and have been divorced from your former spouse for at least two years.


Question 4:
What share or my former spouse’s retirement benefits may I receive?

Answer:
If you are 62 years old and the former spouse is eligible for benefits, although not necessarily receiving them, the maximum benefit you would receive is 50% of the benefit your former spouse would receive at full retirement age. Benefits paid to you before full retirement age of your former spouse are reduced based upon the age of your former spouse at the time benefits are paid to you.


Question 5:
If my former spouse remarries after being married to me for 10 years, which spouse receives benefits?

Answer:
Benefits paid to a surviving divorced spouse will not affect the benefit rates for other beneficiaries.


Question 6:
If I remarry can I still collect benefits from my former spouse?

Answer:
No, unless your later marriage ends by death, divorce or annulment.


Question 7:
If I remarry can my former spouse still collect benefits from me?

Answer:
Yes, if the former spouse meets the criteria from Answer 1.


Question 8:
If my former spouse remarries can he or she collect benefits on my record?

Answer:
Generally the answer is no. If your former spouse’s later marriage ends, whether by death, divorce or annulment, he/she may be able to collect benefits on your record.


Question 9:
What if I am eligible for retirement benefits on my own?

Answer:
The Social Security Administration will pay the benefit to you first. If:

  • The benefit of your former spouse’s record is higher than yours, you will get a combination of benefits that equals the higher benefit amount (reduced for age);
  • you have reached the full retirement age[i] and you are eligible for a spouse’s benefit and your own retirement benefit, you have a choice.

Question 10:
What if my former spouse is eligible for retirement benefits on his/her own?

Answer:
The Social Security Administration will pay the benefit to your former spouse first. If:

  • The benefit on your record is higher than your former spouse’s, he/she will get a combination of benefits that equals the higher benefit amount (reduced for age);
  • your former spouse has reached the full retirement age and is eligible for a spouse’s benefit and his/her own retirement benefit, he/she has a choice.

Question 11:
Can I delay my own retirement benefits and opt to only receive the benefits on the record of my former spouse?

Answer:
Yes, if you delay your own benefits a higher benefit may be received at a later date based on the effect of the delayed retirement credits.[ii]


Question 12:
Can my former spouse delay his/her own retirement benefits and opt to only receive the benefits on my record?

Answer:
Yes, if your former spouse delays his/her own benefits a higher benefit may be received at a later date based on the effect of the delayed retirement credits.


Question 13:
Does the amount of benefits I receive effect the amount of benefits my former spouse receives?

Answer:
No, the amount of benefits you receive effects neither the benefits your former spouse may receive nor the benefits your former spouse’s current spouse may receive.


Question 14:
Am I eligible for benefits if my former spouse is deceased?

Answer:
There are a few exceptions for surviving divorced spouses:

  • If you remarry after age 60, and your former spouse is deceased, you may still be eligible for a benefit under your former spouse’s record;
  • If your former spouse is deceased, you may apply for benefits based on your former spouse’s record at age 60;
  • You would not have to meet the 10 year length-of-marriage rule if you are caring for a child under age 16 or disabled who is getting benefits on the record of your former spouse. The child must be your former spouse’s natural or legally adopted child.

Question 15:
When am I entitled to Divorced Spouse’s Insurance Benefits?

Answer:
You are entitled to a divorced spouse’s insurance benefits on the worker’s Social Security record if:

  • the worker is entitled to retirement or disability insurance benefits;
  • you have filed an application for divorced spouse’s benefits;
  • you are not entitled to retirement or disability insurance benefits based on a primary insurance amount which equals or exceeds one-half the worker’s primary insurance amount;
  • you are age 62 or over;
  • you are not married; and
  • you were married to the worker for at least 10 years before the date the divorce became final.

 

table-1b

 

[i] If the divorced spouse was born in 1937 or earlier, full retirement age is 65. If the divorced spouse was born in 1960 or later, full retirement age is 67. If the divorced spouse was born between 1938 and 1959, the full retirement age will be somewhere between 65 and 67.

[ii] Social Security benefits are increased by a certain percentage (depending on date of birth) if the divorced spouse delays his/her retirement beyond full retirement age. The benefit increase no longer applies when the divorced spouse reaches age 70, even if the divorced spouse continues to delay taking benefits.

 

table-2

What To Do If You Are A Victim of Spousal Abuse

If you are in a relationship with an abusive partner, you might feel trapped, helpless or have no idea where to turn. Knowing what steps to take to move forward in your life is extremely important for your wellbeing.

Report the Abuse

First and foremost, call 911 or your local police department to report the domestic abuse and file charges against your abuser. It’s important to keep a record of the abuse, so write down the report number from the police report, to save with your documentation.

According to the National Coalition against Domestic Violence, “On average, nearly 20 people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States.” (Source: http://www.ncadv.org/)

Understanding that you are not alone in your situation and you’ve done nothing to cause the abuse will help you move forward in bettering your situation.

Seek Medical Help

Only 34% of people who are injured by intimate partners receive medical care for their injuries. (Source: http://www.ncadv.org/).

Domestic violence leaves scars that can take several years to heal. While it’s important to seek medical attention for any immediate needs, it’s also necessary to seek professional help and counseling to aide you in the process of moving on.

Create a Safe Plan

Planning ahead is essential to keeping yourself and your family safe. Have a list of places you can go, perhaps a family member’s home or close friend’s house, when you are forced to leave your home. When creating your plan, consider where you will go, where your children will go, what to bring with you and how you will get there.

For an idea of what type of things to plan for, download this domestic violence personalized safety plan from NCDSV.org.

Think of Your Family

Domestic violence impacts your entire family and it’s important to find the support and provide guidance to your children involved in domestic violence.

According to www.safehorizon.com, “Children exposed to domestic violence at home are more likely to have health problems, including becoming sick more often, having frequent headaches or stomachaches, and being more tired and lethargic.”

Be sure to remember your children’s needs throughout the entire transition and make arrangements to keep them healthy, both mentally and physically.

File a Protective Order

By filing a protective order you can ensure your safety and your family’s safety. Under a protective order, the abuser is prohibited from assault, direct communication, visiting place of resident or place of work.

If you or someone you know is suffering from spousal abuse, do not hesitate to reach out for help. You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline for free to speak with a trained advocate and get the support you need. If you are in the Houston area, there are shelters and resources available to you through the Family Violence Unit and the Houston Bar Association.

How to Make the Divorce Process as Easy as Possible

Divorce isn’t easy. Typically, it’s a long, emotional and drawn out time in your life that you never imagined would be a part of your story.

While we all agree that getting a divorce isn’t easy – there are several ways that we can make the divorce process easier.

Communicate with your Ex

Sounds crazy, right? But having an open line of communication with your ex can allow you to have an easier divorce. Whether the communication is done via email, phone or through your lawyer, it will help in several ways:

  • Saves you money
  • Keeps the divorce moving forward
  • Maintains your integrity

While every situation is unique, I recommend that you set boundaries when it comes to communicating with your ex during the divorce; I would never want anyone in a situation that they don’t need to be in. With certain divorces, some couples shouldn’t communicate except through a lawyer. For example, DO NOT use this advice if you feel that your spouse is so controlling, you could possibly enter into an agreement that you don’t really want.

Plan ahead for child custody

If children are part of the divorce, try to plan ahead on what makes the most sense for your family while keeping your children’s best interests in your mind. Think about schedules and schooling in order to arrange the best custody agreement for them. Having a jointly agreed upon idea will help move the custody portion along while keeping things easy for you. Remember, children psychologically see themselves as one-half of each parent. Parents who work together to maintain this whole for their children will see healthier, happier children who will transition much more easily through the divorce process.

Let it go

Assets, relationships and your old life are things of the past. Being able to emotionally let all of these things go will save you time and energy throughout the divorce process. It’s difficult to split the house, cars, and debt that have accumulated over the years, but it is part of the entire process.

Prepare yourself to detach from people and things, prior to the divorce becoming final, so you can move on quicker.

Hire a divorce lawyer

Having someone that you can trust, that supports your best interests, gives you a peace about the entire process. Divorce lawyers know the ins and outs of what you’re going through and are there to help you.

A divorce lawyer understands the process and can handle the courts of law much better than if you were to represent yourself. More than any other time, this is the time that you need an advocate, somebody who knows the law and at the same time is looking out for your best interest. Some of the biggest legal disasters are do-it-yourself divorces which basically have to be redone later, costing more in both time, money and stress. Save the DIY for home projects.

Take time for yourself

One of the most important things to remember during your divorce is to take time for yourself. I tell my clients to do whatever it takes to relax. Plan a weekend getaway or a spa weekend, to keep your mind off of the divorce.

Making the divorce process easier will not only speed things up, but it will give you a peace during one of the most unsettling moments in your life.

Personality Disorders in Divorce

Recently I read an article entitled “Personality Disorders in Divorce” by Jim Dolan. That got your attention, didn’t it? I can hear a lot of you saying, “I know my ex has one of those! He (she) is crazy! Let me just tell you….” As a divorce attorney, I see people on both sides of divorces do lots of “crazy” things that they would not otherwise do. Here in Spring, a woman was just recently arrested for putting a hit contract out on her husband who she is in the process of divorcing. Their court files shows ongoing conflict, threats, assault and charges on both sides. So, as Mr. Dolan correctly points out, many lawyers and judges believe that both parties are equally at fault. But aren’t some people really “crazy” anyway and it just gets worse during a divorce? Well, it turns out that might be true.

Mr. Dolan identifies three personality disorders (he calls them the “Big Three”) which can make an otherwise typically “crazy” divorce become one in which one person is truly the victim.

Here they are: the Narcissist, the Borderline, and the Anti-social

  • The Narcissist, typically male, is your charming “bad boy” with big ideas and not much to back them up, may not work much, doesn’t care about anyone else’s feelings. He is the one who is going to punish you if you try to escape. Be careful with this one. He is out to exact revenge on you for even thinking of leaving.
  • Then there is the Borderline, usually female, drug or alcohol issues, parental abandonment, chaotic family background, often a crime victim. She thinks she can “buy” a good, solid relationship with intense sex. All hell breaks loose when she hooks up with a Narcissist. Think Fatal Attraction with Michael Douglas.
  • The Anti-social, our third PD, is more often a man who is witty and charming and may be in a position of power. He looks for a woman who wants to be taken care of. He needs to control the woman he is with. Violence and drug abuse are unfortunately behind the charm.

If you are currently going through a divorce and your spouse exhibits these symptoms, you should seek counseling early on to learn how to cope and to help your children cope. You are not going to change the person so, as they say, you can only change yourself. You may be in for a long, stressful, seemingly never-ending road of conflict. You need to understand that you are not at fault. You will need professional help. If you see yourself in one of the “Big Three” then you also need counseling. You need help so that you find peace with yourself, and so that you do not permanently damage your children. If you are not married, then you will want to carefully consider any relationships so that you do not fall into one of the “Big Three” traps.

I am not a psychologist, but I have seen these personality disorders and the pain they cause. Mr. Dolan has written a very interesting article and I will be happy to share the entire article with you if you email me. If in doubt, contact a professional therapist or counselor.